I lie awake here in the limbo of time. The clock says 1:30 in the morning but its really 12:30 which I just lived only an hour ago. Or maybe its no time at all, or we all reset when the day shifts backwards.
Daylight savings is such an odd concept, it is a human constriction on time, that we all consciously accept. If we went by the way the light falls and when shadow grows, then we would understand the flow of days better. But instead we accept this human idea of 'time' that says our lives are all linear. We are an erratic species at best, we have our progression of time but so much of it is in flux.
I find I have too many ideas and I try to express them all at once. I need to work on this. It is hard to write about time. I have written time travel, relatively successfully I think, but wrapping your brain around the way infinity wraps around the universe.
How do I explain this thought? Tonight I had Jason draw upon me. The wheel of time on one arm, the tree of life on the other. I looked at the wheel of time symbol, which is a wheel with two serpants entwining in an oroborous that forms the infinity symbol as well. So many signs, when broken down, show us key spiritual points that appear everywhere.
Damn is this a philosophical or a theological argument. I have them with myself often, I find them blurring so often.
Alaina and I went back to my mom's old house today. It is practically empty now, save for the rejected discards of our lives. Old beds and ripped clothes and books with no covers and whatever we have left from our family that we once knew together.
I picked up so many things today that held some memory for me. What I ended up taking away was strangely what I was originally trying to get rid of, clothes and books. Most of it was induced by nostalgia, I know, and holding onto what is left. My father gave me some photo books long ago, and has an amazing collection of classic books from the Encyclopedia Britannica that took him years to collect. I took the ones I thought might help me in the long run, philosophy and literature and anything I thought might help my education. I couldn't leave it all behind. I left so much behind. I leave so much in my wake, wherever I go. But it all gets thrown away in the end, discarded and forgotten.
But I live those moments right now, sometimes I can relive a memory more clearly than I can what happened five minutes ago. Sometimes I have premonitions, or awareness of what is to come, and I feel this bending of time. It curves around itself, the snake always eating its tail, time is a wheel and in the end we always come back to what we have known before, but everytime it is different.
How would life be if we made different choices? If we had followed other paths? Sometimes I think I can remember those other lives lived, the other variations of myself that might be out there. I think this leads to indecision on my part, what if I made a different choice? Who would I be?
I may as well follow my own pattern. I no longer have a clear concept of home. I am not sure if I ever really have. I feel like I shifted around so much in my life, always going from place to place, from life to life. I tried out so many facades, so many characters that were Emily. When you realize that you can be anyone and do anything is a terrifying and liberating concept.
My childhood homes are gone. My father is gone. My mother loves me but has a new family that I am not really part of. My siblings and I love each other but we do not hold one another back. I may be the most impulsive of them, or the most adaptable. I am air, ever changeable, wind blowing, thoughts soaring.
Its technically November 1st. I told myself I would know where I was living by today. I keep bouncing back and forth wildly between the roommate and the studio. I think I might be leaning more towards the studio right now, because the potential roommate is a senior and is leaving after she graduates in May, leaving me without a roommate which would suck. I also really want the walk in closet, what can I say, I'm a girl.
I need to call my landlord on Monday. I need to go see Where the Wild Things are with the boys. I need to take pictures of Hop Along and have slumber parties someday and meet scholarship deadlines and keep packing and keep throwing away and consolidating.
So much to do. To mentally swing from the existential to the real is a bit of a mind fuck. Today was a long day. It was a strange day.
There was one moment. Where I stood on the doorstep with Jason, wrapped up in layers of scarves and velvet, I played the singing bowl to the sounds of sirens and loud people and found calm in the meditation. It was the most spiritual moment I had tonight until now. Until this contemplation of time and space comes upon me late at night, everything is profound.
I should write. I should do many things. Sleep may be one of them.
Happy Samhain. Blessed Be.
Current Mood: quixotic
Current Music: The Verb - The Swell Season